justkeeptrying1

Dealing with infertility while living down under

aaarrrghhh!!

so you know that story that EVERYONE tells you: “oh well my friend had a friend/cousin/sister and she tried for 7/11/17 years, and she had 23/36/108 procedures and then the second they stopped trying and gave up and went on holiday to Bali/Florida/Italy they got pregnant! Bammo!”

well I ACTUALLY have a friend like that. Yes, they do exist.

Way back around IVF number 2, this friend of mine was also undergoing IVF with no success. She was trying everything. Acupuncture, weird diets, weird supplements, everything. And nothing worked. So we sat round swapping needle punctures and complaining how easy it was for everyone else and how unfair it was for us.

Anyway, she suddenly got pregnant. No IVF, no nothing. It just happened. And I found I didn’t have a friend anymore. She had moved on to the Mummy side of things, and wanted to talk about breast feeding and prams and sleepless nights. And now my problems got a kind of “oh poor you…(thank god it isn’t me)” sympathy instead of “poor US.”

and to be honest, I didn’t want to see her. I couldn’t look at her getting bigger each month without feeling upset. Classic four year old behaviour. Why her? Why not me? ME ME ME?

So two years on, she has a lovely one year old, who I have seen a couple of times and made coo coo noises at, as you do.

Then 2 days ago, out of the blue, on Facebook (of course): “I’m pregnant again, Yay!”  No IVF necessary. All natural.

and I am so, so….. upset???… jealous???

Actually I think I’m angry. Really, really angry. Which is pitiful, and shameful. I should be a bigger person than that. I should be happy for her. I should be grateful for all that is good in my life. But I’m not.

I can’t even bring myself to write her a congratulations message. Because I don’t mean it.

What terrible things TTC does to us. What awful people we turn into. Thank goodness for the IF community where you can let it all out and know that you won’t get judged.

On a brighter note, it has finally stopped raining in Sydney and I made it to the beach this week. Also I bought some new fish for my aquarium and they’re all still alive.

So I guess the final good: bad score this week would be 2:1. Onwards and upwards.

 

 

 

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Ten years…

The skyline of the Sydney central business dis... 

Welcome to my blog!

About ten years ago (end of 2001 as far as I can remember) I went to the doctor. We’d been trying – or at least not, not trying, for a year and the result was zilch, nada, nothing. So thinking to myself “well, I’m only 27 but a checkup can’t hurt’ I headed to the doctor, unwittingly setting myself on a path of meds, injections, countless doctors, countless procedures in 2 different countries, IUIs, IVFs, hours and hours of reading magazines in waiting rooms while staring at photos of other people’s babies, thousands and thousands of dollars (I really wish I’d kept complete track) and a familiarity with hospital procedures that I wish I didn’t have. On the plus side, you can now stick a needle in my arm and I pretty much don’t notice. I have also lost any sense that having your legs over your head with 3 other people in the room is an unusual situation.

After IVF number 4 failed, I’m taking a break and trying to feel my way through what to do next. Do I “just keep trying”, as so many “helpful” people have suggested? or throw in the towel (ovulation kit?)?

I am currently living in Australia and enjoying chilling out this summer, despite all the rain!

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